Apr 8, 2010

Digging for true cause

Silver Linings:
1. Including today, I woke up on time 4 mornings in a row and fetched coffee for hubby instead of the other way around as is typical. MAJOR victory, considering my track record.
2. Crisp spring breeze and golden sunshine at 7:20 am while waiting for my train to work.
3. The morning news on public radio informs me that China might just adjust currency strength with positive repurcussions on US national loans to the country. Although I suspect this scenario is too good to hold true to the end, it's a positive note to focus on.
4. From 'Life of Pi' by Yann Martel:
I can well imagine an atheist's last words: "White, white! L-L-Love! My God!" - and the deathbed leap of faith. Whereas the agnostic, if he stays true to his reasonable self, if he stays beholden to dry, yeastless factuality, might try to explain the warm light bathing him by saying, 'Possibly a f-f-failng oxygenation of the b-b-brain," and, to the very end, lack imagination and miss the better story. (p.64)

I don't think much of the book or his spiritual quests but this idea fits my views well. Not the derision of Agnosticism but the thought that voluntary excercising of your imagination can let you make choices that soften unavoidable realities as well as that bitter crust that develops on cynicism if allowed to develop unchecked. If your'e sure you can't change things, you can at least make them more palatable. It might sound like Denial, but let's call it "creative, selective truth" - a constructive tool when wielded in the right time and place.

Lessons learnt:
Unease about myself can lead to a subconscious invention of problems.
Case in point: felt guilty about an unhealthy breakfast yesterday morning and ended up feeling sulky about the evening being lonely and boring. Blamed my uninteresting life, introvert husband, chores and even spring allergies. In the clear light of day, it turns out none of the above were significant: I was just still feeling bad about my dietary trespass.

So the next time I'm internally (sometimes unknowingly) fretting about how sad I feel, I could dig a little deeper right then to articulate to myself why I'm sad. Then I should see if my reasons are valid. I might be able to avoid unnecessary blame-appointing and perhaps uncover a good day from under the muck I needlessly heaped on top of it.


  1. I applaud your exercise at self-awareness and happiness! One must practice good thoughts for them to become part of oneself. I look forward to your journey....

  2. Thanks Usha. It's difficult to do this in a public place, however little read thisb log might be. But I figured it was the only way to keep at it. If any of this strikes a chord with you, lets chat. One of my hopes from this is that others who're struggling with similar issues will shed light and we'll help each other.